It Was Good, a personal essay
We’ve just finished our nursing session, little Luke and I—they are growing ever shorter and leave no time for the lazy enjoyment I’ve become accustomed to in past months. He’s all business these days and so I entertain him a bit, not yet ready to vacate the chair or lose his attention. He sits on my lap, facing me, all 8 months of him, and I softly bonk my forehead against his, singing “Count your many blessings” in my baby-entertaining voice. He giggles each time our heads touch, and I bounce him gently on my knees. Intermittently, he dive-bombs my neck with slobbery nibbles—I imagine he’s kissing me and I adore his affection. More giggles. More singing. More bonking. More kisses.
I pause and ponder this wonder baby for a moment. I notice a speck of white lint trapped in his fluffy blond curls. His face is lightly caked with remnants of a 3:00 pm snack—baby cereal and pureed sweet potatoes. The orange stains dot the neck of his onesie too, evidence of my lax parenting – I frequently forgo the bib. And ah, the sweet smell of last night’s baby lotion still lingers in his clothes (this is the primary reason they haven’t been changed yet today).
Earlier in the day I hammered myself for my failings. The thoughts infiltrated as I ate my spinach salad and watched the latest episode of Castle on Hulu. I knew I was wasting time, and the guilt worked at me like slow acid. Later, as my preschooler played a third game on the computer, the thoughts kept coming—miniature pep-talks, one after another, waves washing against the shore of my psyche, pulling at my confidence bit by bit. Be a better mother. Find something enriching for your child to do. Suck up the exhaustion and selfishness and get to work.
Eventually I did pull myself together. And now the day is nearly done and I am cherishing my baby and pondering my life. I have just finished reading a talk by President Eyring, the reason for my interesting choice of lullaby, and the thought tiptoes in: You are doing this right. I know the Spirit is speaking to me—reassuring me that in the midst of all of my failures … and there are many … bright spots can yet be found.
My heart feels warm and comforted. I think of a few more gems in my day—the minutes I spent playing play-doh with Anna; the walk we took to Kindergarten; four children’s closets and drawers cleaned out and organized in preparation for summer. I feel peace. I set a little goal, now in this moment, to focus more on the bright spots each day and to thank my Heavenly Father, solemnly and sincerely, for each of them.
Luke blinks his long eyelashes, and opens his mouth wide in a two-toothed smile. He nuzzles me again. And I nibble him back. This day was my Creation. It wasn’t perfect. But with the enlightenment of the Spirit, I can see—and say--that it was good.
7 comments:
oh thank you- just what I needed and in such a beautiful, visual way.
I will slog my way through anything you write, any time. This is tender--captures the way we moms feel about life, our little ones, and ourselves.
You are doing amazing things--I am so pleased with your choices, and your diligence in staying with the Lord's plan.
Keep up the good work, darling daughter. You are laying the foundation of great and wonderful things--and enjoying the journey. Mothers' work is the hardest yet sweetest work in all the world.
what a great post pre mother's day. And he may not be perfect... um wait, I think he is!
I've been having thoughts of a similar vein swirling around my head lately too. Maybe I'll get them on "paper." I'm so glad you have Luke and your other three beauties. And they are so, so fortunate to have you and Dave as parents.
love this...
"and the thought tiptoes in: You are doing this right."
and then at the end
"with the enlightenment of the Spirit, I can see - and say- that it was good."
You described those moments so well. I love the way the Spirit teaches and for those glimpses we have of what Heavenly Father sees and appreciates.
You are a wonderful mother and writer. Thanks for sharing.
Emily, it's Natalie. I very rarely ever blog/facebook/pinterest/etc. but randomly did tonight and am so glad I happened upon this. You beautifully put into words what I think every mother feels every day. It is a normal part of motherhood to constantly battle these feelings of failure and yet, I couldn't agree more that at the end of the day our successes are more than we think. We just need to acknowledge them. I couldn't just read this and not let you know that I had visited your thoughts today. I have often thought of how fun it would be if we could all see each other now, as mothers, and be a part of our everyday lives the way we were as teenagers. Thanks for a small glimpse of your everyday life. I connected. Not just with your words, but with you. Thank you!
Four closets in ONE day. Awesome. You are such a great mom; I'm glad to hear you take some time for yourself. You had to eat your salad anyway, right? :)
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