Personal Evolution

I hope you aren't expecting to read a scientific treatise--you know me better than that! It's just that I've been thinking a lot about the person I was 10 years ago when I was getting ready to marry D. I was such a different girl back then. I probably would have called myself a woman, but now I think I was more of a kid. And how anybody can find their beloved at that age is an incomprehensible thing to me, but that's another subject.

So, 10 years ago, picture a stubborn girl who thought she knew it all and loved debating it, especially where her father and feminist arguments were concerned. My poor dad! Yes, I called myself a feminist, and a poet too. I'd lived in London and toured Europe which still sounds really cool, but back then made me think I was quite the world traveler. I didn't want to have kids. I grew up the eldest of 8 and felt like I'd had my fill of that life, at least for the foreseeable future. I had recently conceded my "dream" of law school to a more practical route of teaching English. At the time I felt I'd settled--I knew my mind was capable of more--but I also knew that money had to come from somewhere if D was going to pursue dentistry. That sounds so sad, but it was absolutely the best thing for me. I was so stupid--I had no idea how challenging and fulfilling teaching could be. That was just one of the blessed roads I accidentally took.

As far as domestic duties, for at least 4 years into our marriage it went something like this: I abhorred cooking. Now I cringe at the memory of D and I grocery shopping. We always bought lots of pasta roni. Yuck! I would never, ever even glance at that now. I insisted on fairness and equality as far as all domestic responsibilities went, mainly because I didn't like any of it. I left my dirty clothes lying strewn across the bedroom until Saturday when D and I would do our cleaning and laundry. And if you'd told me I would be a "quilter" one day, I would have rolled my eyes--with attitude--and figured you for a fogy.

So how have I changed? Let's just say that almost the opposite is true in every aspect of my life. Cleaning is still not my favorite past time, but my house is almost always neat and orderly, and pretty clean. Don't eat off my floors or anything, though.

These thoughts led me to the inevitable question: how does such change come about? And I think I've got a couple of answers. Obviously, we set goals, but even deeper--what is the wellspring of the motivation? As I see it, there are two main influences.

The first is environment, and by that I mean the place you live and the people you are surrounded with. My cooking, for instance, has been influenced 1) by living in San Francisco and expanding my tastes drastically (both in recognizing fine food, and in appreciating ethnic foods) and 2) by the great friends I've made who are cooks and the tips, recipes, and ideas I've gleaned from them. In Ann Arbor, people were always having lunches, dinners, holiday gatherings, barbecues, and so on. I remember tasting grilled ahi once and having an "aha!" moment that you could actually prepare these gourmet items at home, if you just bothered to try.

It was also through friends and church groups that I've acquired many of my craftier hobbies.

And, now that I live in Fresno and have land, land, land all around me, I am developing an enthusiasm for gardening which I know will surprise a few of you. More on that soon.

The second influence on personal evolution is stage of life, and this to me may be the most powerful of the two. Since I've had children and as they grow, my desires and attitudes change. I've seen it in my husband too. Who cares about the phases of the moon? I haven't bothered to think about that since elementary school. Yet suddenly, it's fascinating to me and Chatterbox and I are out, each night, checking it out and discussing the moon's progress. I'm rediscovering my love of learning as we take apart owl pellets and look for mice bones, watch the peach tree bud and blossom, and observe the bees pollenating the flowers, the worms squiggling away in the muck, and the pill bugs opening and closing in terror as little fingers pick them up. Books I'd long ago written off as silly and infantile now appeal to me in all their childish charm.

I'm really not a fan of the person I was 10 years ago. I'll issue a universal apology to all of my roommates of the college years, though I suspect we were in that stage together. It's a time to be self centered (of necessity); a time to search ourselves; the only time, really, to figure out what we want and devote every ounce of energy we have to attaining it. I'm not sure how things worked out so well for me, retrospectively seeing how stupid I was, but I am sure grateful for where I am now. It makes being in my 30's oh-so sweet.